I have been contemplating whether or not to talk about this. If I do how much do I say or what to say? So this is what feels right.....
(FYI this paragraph may go into too much detail for some. I really don’t go into too much detail but some people may not want to know this if so skip to the next paragraph). I had some brown spotting and one time it was red (that is not normal). The nurse on the phone said it sounds all normal but wanted me to come in for an ultrasound to be on the safe side. Went in on November 16th for an ultrasound and found out the fetuses had only made it to 6 weeks (I was supposed to be around 11 week). I knew something was wrong when the nurse couldn’t find the baby with the ultrasounds so she performed a vaginal ultrasound. I could see what she could see….. What I saw looked more like a bean then a baby. I had a feeling something was wrong. Then she said I’m sorry looks like the fetus only made it to 6 weeks, can’t relay remember how she said it exactly but something like that. She asked if I wanted a photo, really didn’t know what to say nor would words come out of my mouth so I shook my head yes. Didn’t know if I would regret saying no so I just said yes. After getting myself back together had to talk to someone else about what to do next. My body was not getting rid of the fetus naturally so I had two options do a D&C (were the doctor does a procedure to remove the fetus) or they could give me medication vaginally (to induce the miscarriage). I didn’t like the idea of surgery or being put to sleep so I did not go with a D&C. The doctor could have given me the medication that day but I felt like I need time to proses this information. I didn’t want to go through the pain that is involved with induce the miscarriage right after finding out I had lost the baby. After the weekend Shawn and I went back to the doctors to have this processes stated. Really didn’t know what to expect it is so different for everyone with the cramping and heavy bleeding there could be nushia and diarrhea. I am so thankful that this proses for me only took three hours. Only had the bleeding and cramping (the cramping was constant and more sever at some points). After the fetus was past the pain stopped. I still have some cramping and a little bleeding (it only been two day). I am so thankful that this did work because it only has a 70% rate of working. The doctor was also so glad that it worked and wouldn't have to do surgery.
This is all still new but Shawn and I both feel that there is a reason why God did this. Whether it be something wrong with the baby and it would have major heath issuers. Or whether it be to really make us think about kids. Shawn and I were thinking about not having kids but now we are re-thinking this idea. Now we have time to get more prepared to bring a child into are lives. I don’t think we will know why but I do believe that God has a reason. If I didn’t have my faith I don’t even what to know how I would be feeling or doing. I think very lost. Yes I have cried and probably no, will again but it does not feel like the end of the world. I want to say thank you to everyone that has been think of us these past few days and praying for us as we go through this process.
One thing I didn’t want to deal with was telling everyone that I had a miscarriage. Didn’t want to have that conversation. But I must say everyone has been what I needed and understanding. Whether it be not saying anything, just giving me a quick hug at work, not asking questions, just letting me talk, or shooting me a message.
I have realized this is something that does happen, a lot more then I thought. I have family that have gone through this, and in telling friends releasing they to have lost a baby to a miscarriage. It is something we don't bring up at lunch or drinks with the girls. Something we want to move on from and have to. But one thing I want any one that has is happing to you are not alone. You may not want to talk about but you are not alone in what you are feeling.
I thank you all for helping us through this process. I know it is not over but I know I can get throw this. And a thank you to my husband Shawn, I love you so much.
